Redefining Forgiveness: Why I Stopped Trying to “Let It Go” and Started Releasing It Back

Let’s talk about forgiveness. The word I’ve hated most of my life.

Not because I’m bitter. Not because I’m holding a grudge. But because for so many women (especially those raised in religious environments), forgiveness has been weaponized.

It wasn’t a healing balm. It was a hammer.

I was taught that forgiveness meant giving up my right to feel what I felt. My anger, my pain, even my heartbreak—none of it was allowed. I was supposed to give it to God or let it go, which translated to: swallow it, bury it, numb it. If I couldn’t stop feeling hurt, then I was the problem. I was “in sin.” I wasn’t spiritual enough. I wasn’t healed enough.

Eventually, I learned to submerge those emotions so deep that I disconnected from myself completely. And honestly, that’s what hurt the most.

The Old Forgiveness: Suppress, Smile, Serve

What makes this so insidious is that it’s cloaked in spiritual language. Words like surrender, peace, even love. But underneath it? Control. Approval-seeking. Silence.

Forgiveness, in those contexts, became a test of spiritual maturity. And if you didn’t pass? You were told you were bitter, unhealed, or rebellious.

But the truth is: you can’t heal what you’re not allowed to feel.

The Shift: From “Forgiving” to “Releasing”

In a recent session, something cracked wide open for me. I realized I’ve been carrying shame that wasn’t even mine, handed down through generations like a poisoned heirloom. And I’ve been fed it like it was nourishment

But instead of forcing myself to forgive the people who handed it to me, I looked at it. I honored what it had taught me. I realized that living through it gave me the fire to fight for who I really am.

That pain helped me reclaim my identity. It made me a pattern breaker.

So instead of “forgiving,” I did something different: I released it back. With love. With gratitude. And with a clear understanding that it no longer belongs to me.

Forgiveness as Acceptance, Not Approval

This kind of forgiveness isn’t about approval. It’s not about saying what happened was okay. It’s about radical acceptance.Of what was.Of who I am.Of the fact that I lived through it and now get to write a new story.

I think we need a new word altogether. Maybe it’s releasing or returning the weight.Maybe it’s just letting the wound breathe.

From Victimhood to Voice

When women reclaim forgiveness, not as suppression but as soulful release, they take their power back.

No more rescuing others to feel worthy. No more shrinking to be accepted. No more molding your truth into something digestible for others.

Instead, you become the one who defines who you are. You become the woman who breaks the cycle. You get to say, “This ends with me.”

If You’re Still Wrestling with Forgiveness…

Here’s what I’d whisper to you, if you’ve ever felt trapped by shame or guilt masked as virtue:

• Your feelings are not a flaw. They are the doorway to healing.

• You don’t owe anyone your silence.

• You can choose to keep the wisdom and release the weight.

And if “forgiveness” feels like a cage, don’t climb in. There’s another way.

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