What Confidence Actually Is (And What It Isn’t)

Most people get confidence completely wrong.

We’ve been taught that confidence comes from past success. If you’ve done something before and it went well, you’ll feel confident doing it again.

But what happens when you fail? What happens when you try something new—something you’ve never done before?

If your confidence is built on past success, it shatters the moment something doesn’t go as planned.

That’s not confidence. That’s certainty. And they are not the same thing.

The Myth of Confidence as Certainty

Many people think confidence is believing you’ll succeed—but that’s just optimism. And optimism disappears quickly when things don’t go our way.

Real confidence isn’t about being certain of the outcome. It’s about being certain of yourself.

Confidence isn’t, “I know this will work. ”It’s, “I trust myself to handle whatever happens.”

👉 Whether you fail or succeed, you know you’ll be okay

👉 Whether it’s easy or hard, you trust yourself to figure it out.

👉 Whether it goes as planned or completely falls apart, you know you can manage the emotions that come with it.

The Worst Thing That Can Happen Is Always an Emotion

Think about the last time you held yourself back from doing something you wanted to do. Maybe you hesitated before speaking up in a meeting, putting yourself out there online, or taking a risk in your business.

What were you actually afraid of?

It wasn’t failure itself—it was how failure would feel.

💡 The worst thing that can happen in any situation is an emotion.

Fear. Embarrassment. Disappointment. Shame.

That’s it. That’s what we’re really avoiding.

The problem is, when we spend our lives avoiding emotions, we also avoid growth, opportunities, and the life we actually want.

When I started my coaching business, showing up online, being seen, the fear of been judged was one of the hardest things I've had to get through. The beliefs I had formed so young, all of the noise in my head, it all said that I shouldn't make a big deal of what I'm doing. I shouldn't get too much attention. That's not what women are supposed to do.

The belief that, if I was judged I would be cut off, cast out, seemed so scary and insurmountable. But. Just an emotion. And as I processed the emotions and cleared out those old beliefs, I've been able to reconnect to parts of myself that have been shut down for so long.

Confidence Comes from Trusting Yourself to Handle Hard Things

Real confidence isn’t about predicting the future. It’s about trusting that no matter what happens, you have the resilience to handle it.

You don’t need to be certain you’ll succeed. You don’t need to guarantee a perfect outcome.

You just need to trust that even if things go sideways, you can handle the discomfort that comes with it.

As I watched my grandson learning to walk, I saw his frustration grow with each fall—but he kept trying. Each time he got back up, he built the strength and understanding he needed to succeed.

That experience completely changed my view of falling—and of failure. People often say, 'There is no failure, only feedback.' But watching my grandson learn to walk made that lesson real for me.

So, How Do You Build This Kind of Confidence?

1️⃣ Stop waiting to feel confident before taking action. Confidence isn’t a prerequisite for action—it’s the result of action. You don’t feel confident first; you feel confident because you proved to yourself that you could handle it, that you have your own back when you fall.

2️⃣ Get better at processing emotions. If the worst thing that can happen is an emotion, then learning how to process emotions removes the fear of failure. (If this feels hard, The Emotional Clarity Toolkit can help—more on that below.)

3️⃣ Redefine what “failure” means. Failure isn’t proof that you’re not good enough. It’s proof that you’re learning, trying, and growing. You have to be in the game to play.

4️⃣ Ask yourself: What would I do if I wasn’t afraid of how failure would feel? That question alone can change everything.

Confidence Isn’t About Avoiding Failure—It’s About Facing It

Imagine if you fully believed that no matter what happened, you could handle it.

What would you try? Where would you stop holding yourself back? How much more freedom would you feel?

This is the kind of confidence that lasts. Not the fragile kind built on one success or even a series of successes, but the kind that can’t be shaken, because it isn’t tied to the outcome—it’s tied to you.

And if emotions are the thing keeping you stuck, The Emotional Clarity Toolkit can help. It’s a step-by-step guide to understanding, processing, and moving through emotions—so they don’t hold you back from the life you actually want.

💡 Grab The Emotional Clarity Toolkit here.

What’s one thing you’d do if failure wasn’t something to fear?

Drop a comment and let’s talk about it.